cacoethes scribendi

The best way to deal with my cacoethes scribendi is to write more.  As simple as that. 

Possibly the best compliment I have ever received

Well, may be not the best ever, but in a while:

"You deserve all the praise you get (from me, at least). I love your methodology, insight and tone. Pragmatic and materialist, but attuned to broad trends and human sympathy; eloquent but with a cheerfully ironic self-deprecation. I only wish we had talked more already. Hopefully we'll compensate some in future!"

Another compliment that comes close was by a person whom I've never met - Elizabeth's friend who told her: "who is this fred paik. he is amazing. i can tell by his writing."  

And Lillian, who upon reading a draft of my love letter, said "well, this is one of the best love letters I've ever read."  

And to Elizabeth, who is the pretty much the only person who visits this blog, or the only person who comments at least. 

I don't write for approval, but they sure are encouraging.  Thank you. 

I need to be honest with myself.

No one really reads my blog but it's still a shame that none of my friends and acquaintances wrote back on any of my religious posts.  I did want to hear the best arguments possible for the existence of God.  If a convincing argument could be made, I would be more than glad to switch over to the theist side.  After all, this is not about winning or losing, but it's about being closer to the truth.

But the truth is, the more I hear from theists, the less convinced I become.  Whether I listen to the apologetics or pastors, I always edge closer to the side of non-theists.  In this critique's opinion, neither side can prove their claim, but non-theist's arguments are simply superior. 

And after all the logical arguments have passed, one simply has to wonder - does it really make any sense?  Really?  An omnipotent God sits around for about 15 billion years, and then decides to make human beings based on his image in some remote corner of the universe.  Every time people do something wrong, he says that's enough and eradicates them, either by flood, burning sulfur, or through genocides.  And then he impregnates some virgin, to save the humans whom he wiped out just couple thousand year ago, from himself, by sacrificing himself, to himself.  And then he mysteriously disappears, only to live in the hearts of the believers.

Why didn't he just sacrifice himself to begin with, when Adam first sinned or before killing so many people from the floods?  I'm sure there were many innocent children during the flood, in Sodom & Gomorrah, and the Amalekite tribe.  And still, even in this day and age, 11 million children under the age of 5 die every year.  What have they done wrong?  Why are prayers of 11 million parents unanswered?  Prayer is nothing but a placebo.

If you want to believe in the Christian God, you have two monumental proofs ahead of you.  First, you have to prove that God exists, and then you have to prove that the deity and the Christian God are the same.  People often assume the second, but to me, the second argument is equally improbable as the first.  An almighty God, who shows us no evidence except for a very poorly written book, flooded with scientific and historical errors, not to mention all the contradictions within the four gospels... I don't find it to be very convincing.  In fact, I'm mad at myself for not studying the book in closer scrutiny. 

At this point, I have admit it.  I am an atheist.  I wonder how many people back at home will still call me friends.  This is a boon in a way.  

Some time ago, I broke up with someone whom I truly loved because I knew she wouldn't be happy living with a non-religious person like myself.  I do miss her from time to time, but I still stand by my decision.  I need to be honest with myself.